i am looking forward

my thesis is ready to become important to me again. it really had taken the back burner for far to long. it is important that i finish it and no doubt i will, it just seemed very daunting for a while. i guess i just needed a break from stuff and to sort of put it away for a while to make it more meaningful. i can't juggle the whole world at once, so i chose to pass on writing. being busy seemed to take up a lot of my time, and i was not focused enough to give it anything meaningful. i would type for the sake of typing and fill in space on paper for the sake of saying i am making progress, but was i? i guess i felt i owed other areas of my life some quality time as well. arguably they would get that same quality time if i had just got the writing done and out of the way too. it was nice to take some summer and be just a person too....being a student is hard all the time. i wanted to read for pleasure, and spend time enjoying some of the things i had to ignore for a while. i wanted to enjoy the planning of a wedding and not have that the side thing. i wanted to look for a job and not feel the guilt that it took away from what i could be doing. i wanted to have at least a few months being domestic and spending evenings with my husband, not knowing it would have slipped through my fingers so soon. now i am back at it. it is starting with a card to my advisor to let her know my unannounced hiatus is over, and i would require some direction please. i have a goal and i am looking forwards now.
not sure why this part, the only thing i have left to do, and a mere 100 pages, is strangling me. i guess it comes when it is ready and nothing should be forced...line by line it will eventually be finished. hard to know if i am scared of being finished, cause then it is one more degree without a job and the looming reality of a possible wrong career choice far to late, or the idea that i am maybe unsure of how to do this part.....
supply teaching is actually making me question my career choice and that scares the hell out of me. i hate the bad habits i am picking up, i hate the survival techniques i develop to keep from sinking some days, instead of teaching and management techniques i know i should use. i hate that i am forgetting how to plan to time lessons out, how to assess and mark, all my good ideas and what to do when reports are due. i feel like the closer i get to another teaching degree the farther away i am from being a teacher. i think i used to be good at this.
i went into this path because i really thought i wanted to help students find a passion for learning. i wanted to show them that the subjects they thought sucked could be cool if they were taught in neat ways and had someone with uncontrollable passion for them. I thought i could be contagious enough to make them want what i want. seems so unrealistic right now.
i look through the want ads, looking for alternative careers and i am so uncertain about what else i could do...... still not sure what i want to do when i grow up
i am going to finish the masters degree because i like to learn and i like to know that i could do it. not sure it will be more than a paper on my office wall and just for me though.
the next class i take, and we all know there will be more, is going to be for passion. it is going to be important and not aimed at making me more employable for an unemployable career.